Wayne Dyer and John of God

A friend just recently sent me this link. It’s Wayne Dyer talking to Abraham. I don’t know too much about Wayne Dyer, except that my mom read his books and he’s often on PBS during their fundraisers. He was diagnosed with leukemia some time ago, and in this talk he explains how John of God healed him. Or how he has perceived that John of God healed him, because as Abraham points out, Wayne Dyer allowed himself to be healed.

I just found out about John of God this fall when a friend of mine who was going to see him asked if I wanted her to take my photo. You can bring photos of people to receive blessings from him and his entourage. Apparently he has healed millions of people. He lives in Brazil, and you can go to visit him there.

I mainly wanted to post the link to this discussion which is very good. It is reaffirming that fear holds illness in place and that we must release our fear and belief in our sickness to allow health to be restored.

One thing I would add is that Abraham seems to emphasize (or maybe it’s more my emphasis) that you have to be willing to be healed. The person who is sick has the biggest role to play. John of God can help people see more clearly or perhaps help them release their fears, but it is their expectation and belief in John of God that is allowing them to release these fears.

My friend who went to see John of God told me that they said it often takes 3 visits to John of God before people are healed. That you can’t expect to go there and be instantly healed. But I think that it’s only the fact that people aren’t ready to be instantly healed that prevents them from instantaneous healing.

I continue to think about my realization this fall that I believed my cancer was some kind of penance– a kind of payback– for all the stress and negativity I put myself through many years ago. From the moment when I received the cancer diagnosis I did not feel like I was a victim or that this was bad luck. I understood that I had brought it to myself. But I got stuck there– feeling like I had made my bed and now I had to sleep on it. Until it finally occurred to me that there is never any reason for suffering or punishment. All that is required is to let go of the negative thoughts that appear.

But what I did for a time was rearrange the negative thoughts: after the diagnosis I began being kinder to myself, allowing myself to rest more, allowing myself to spend as much time as I wanted on my spiritual practice, allowing myself to go to counseling, get acupuncture, etc.  I gave myself all kinds of attention and care in the form of alternative treatments. But I was holding on to the belief that I deserved the cancer because of my previous behavior. And this is certainly a negative thought.

I do think now that I have mostly let this go. I honestly don’t believe that I even have cancer anymore. There is still a lump, but it is dissolving and one day it will be gone. I feel healthy and energetic. I have no reason to believe in sickness at all.

The other day I was thinking that I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone again that I have thyroid cancer. It doesn’t seem true anymore. It seems like to tell someone that would be to hold on to a past story that is no longer relevant. And I know that the more I believe this, the more I am convinced of this, the quicker the lump and any remaining effects of the cancer will be gone.

Motivation

I have recently read a book called E-Squared by Pam Grout which has spurred me on a bit. It’s a series of 9 experiments that you do to change your experience by using your thoughts and mind. I didn’t have complete success in all of them, but I did have some dramatic things happen– enough to remind me that it’s all mind. Mind is all there is.

I have been becoming better at looking for a solution to whatever ails me in the present moment. Remembering that I am always creating with my thoughts, whether consciously or unconsciously. Pam Grout is very good at explaining all of this and showing how quantum physics describes the same thing. When you’re noticing a problem and focusing on it with resistance– like, “I can’t believe my allergies are so bad today,” you are creating more of this same experience in the future. Whereas if you allow the things you don’t like and keep your focus on what you do want at all times, it can’t help but appear. This is what Abraham is always teaching.

One thing, among many, that struck me in her book was the story of the founders of the Unity Church. One of them, Myrtle Fillmore had tuberculosis and aggravated malaria. Pam writes, “One day [Myrtle Fillmore] attended a lecture by New Thought teacher Dr. E. B. Weeks, who made the outrageous claim that God, who was all-good, would never wish disease on anyone. Furthermore, he said, if she aligned herself with this all-good spirit, she would discover her true self–which could only be healthy.

Over and over, Myrtle began affirming, ‘I am a child of God and therefore do not inherit sickness.’ She refused to ‘judge according to appearance’ and praised the vital energy of God within every cell of her body. Little by little, Myrtle began to get better. Within two years, there was no sign of her old illness.”

I know I have heard stories like this before, but this time it struck me that I have continued to hold on to at least some belief that God is behind my cancer. It’s not sensical because I no longer believe in God as some kind of individual being who makes decisions. But I think I was taught this so much growing up that it has been embedded in me. So despite reading that the body is supposed to be healthy and any illness comes from blockages that we create ourselves, I have nursed this belief that God is somewhere behind it all. I know I’ve thought that thyroid cancer has been a teacher in a way– making me focus more on the spiritual and what’s important to me in life. Perhaps I felt that God was behind this since it was driving me towards a closer experience of God.

So reading this in E-Squared shone a light on this belief of mine, and since then I have been focusing on seeing all symptoms of illness in myself as only coming from ego and as being completely unnecessary. I think that’s it, too. I’ve had a belief that the illness and the symptoms were necessary in some way: I had a lot of negative thoughts and beliefs that I harbored for many many years, and the result was thyroid cancer and bad allergies. Like some kind of penance I had to pay for bad behavior.

But that is all ego! No suffering is ever necessary.

Here is a quote I came across today from Dialogue on Awakening, another wonderful channeled or scribed book.

“There is truly but one form of medicine and that is the healing power you possess within your Self. It is the decision you make to either experience health or not to experience health and to allow your body to demonstrate that decision to you. While you are in a state of transition to this mode of thinking, you will invent many different types of crutches and they are fine. But recognize clearly that you are using these things to convince your mind to be healthy. If you are successful, they will work. If you are not, then no change will occur in the physical manifestation of the illness.

Your body is a tool of communication. One of the things it communicates most visibly is the choices you make in your mind. You see, for this to be otherwise it would put your body in the driver’s seat, in the position of control.”

Also: “It will not be the medication taken or treatment applied that makes your body well. In and of themselves, they have no meaning and therefore no effect. The power any medication or treatment has is given by you through the act of loving yourself.”

I need to know myself as perfectly healthy. If I believe that I am perfectly healthy, that is what must manifest itself because form follows belief. I highly recommend E-Squared for demonstrating that our ability to create experience is completely impersonal. It’s not because we are good or bad or because God wants us to have something– it is the Law of Attraction. If you truly believe in your healing, you must be healed. And if you are not healed, it is because you don’t truly belief in your healing. No God is up there making decisions about who is worthy.

So I am trying to focus on a belief in myself as perfectly healthy:)

Falling off the Wagon

I don’t think it was until the end of this summer, after I tried yet one more alternative healer–a nutritional therapist who uses muscle testing and Standard Process supplements–and it didn’t work, that I realized I was truly on a wild goose chase. I spent so much time and money last spring and early this summer going to an alternative doctor, getting lab tests, getting allergy tested, going to an endocrinologist, going to this nutritional therapist, buying supplements on my own; and none of it made any difference. In fact, I had the thought that since the diagnosis of thyroid cancer in September 2010, I have spent so much money and time on alternative healing methods, and I’m not sure any of it has made any difference. And likewise all the conventional doctor’s appointments, visiting the surgeon, getting ultrasounds– certainly none of the conventional things made a difference. Except perhaps that my vitamin D level is up because my doctor has me taking Vitamin D3 supplements.

It’s kind of like I’ve gone on this crazy trip just to end up where I already was. Like the conventional doctors scared me out of my wits with a diagnosis and repeated warnings of death and then the alternative doctors helped me believe that I could heal without surgery. But here I am without fear and with a lump on my neck, just like I was before my diagnosis.

I am oversimplifying, but it’s kind of true in a way. I do think my immune system is in much better shape than it was when I started out. I get far fewer colds, or half-colds like I used to get. But now I’ve have a reaction whenever I eat corn or anything corn-derived that makes me feel like I’m buzzing inside and makes me feel so warm or hot that I wake up in the night repeatedly. But in general, if I don’t eat corn, I feel great.

Everything is the same. Nothing is different.

So I have had two sessions of food allergy testing now because the holistic doctor I went to in April said I looked like I had a food allergy. He said 50% of his patients’ were able to resolve their health problems through a change in diet.  But it turns out (at least so far) that I don’t really have food allergies. I am a bit allergic to corn, and slightly allergic to soy and strawberries. Dairy and wheat, which seem to be the big offenders, don’t bother me, nor do all the grains we tested, chicken, pork, kale, apples, chocolate (thank God), yeast…

The way the doctor ordered the allergy testing for me is really slow. I go in for a 3-hour session and am tested with one food and then have to wait about 10 minutes before I can be tested with another. This is the most accurate way to do it, and (I think) sets you up to be able to get shots later on to reduce your allergies. They test me by injecting the food into the top of my skin. It stings a bit, but it’s not too bad.

I haven’t been eating corn now for two weeks, and it hasn’t seemed to have made any difference. I have had killer seasonal allergies for the last two weeks +, but I think they are winding down. My main symptoms are serious fatigue and a slight headache. The fatigue really sucks. I just want to close my eyes and lie down. It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get.

This is the fourth spring that I’ve had bad allergies. It was these same springtime allergies that made me realize I had a lump on my neck, which turned out to be thyroid cancer. So it’s very frustrating that here, three years later, I haven’t been able to clear them. The other night in a moment of severe frustration I googled “seasonal allergies fatigue” or something like that and read about butterbur as an herb that’s worked for some people for fatigue. So I went to iHerb and spent $60 on herbs for allergies because one of the reviewers said that these had solved all of her allergy problems.  I got butterbur, nettle, and quercetin. I actually tried quercetin three years ago in the spring, and it didn’t seem to do anything.

They arrived today and of course the fatigue is gone. I think whatever pollen it is that gets to me has run its course. Or maybe I healed myself just by buying the herbs. Ha!

What I am realizing is that this latest effort of mine to heal myself by going to a holistic doctor is not working any more than any of my other efforts have. The crazy hormonal imbalance I had going on (which I’m pretty sure was brought on by taking Iodoral) has cleared up on its own. I don’t seem to have any life altering food allergy. I’ve had a battery of blood and other tests, and I’m pretty sure they all turned out fine. That is, the doctor told me he would call me if anything came up, and he never did. So $940 later I am feeling better but not because of anything that anyone did for me. ($1000 if you count the herbs:) In fact, the holistic doctor told me to start taking these hefty multivitamins from Emerson Ecologics, and they’ve been screwing up my stomach and making me feel worse, if anything.

I have a friend, Leslie, who is also on the path of awakening. I was talking to her today, and she was saying that everything that isn’t peace is all the same. It’s all a manifestation of our ego mind. I am able to see that clearly when I get angry at my husband. I can look at my thoughts and see how it’s my ego thoughts that are making me unhappy. I can see that if I let go of these thoughts, I will be at peace again. But somehow when things go wrong with my body, I think it’s outside of me. I think I can find peace in herbs or in a doctor or in some other healing method. I mean, lots of people do. All those reviewers on iHerb who claim that such and such herb completely changed their life– they have found some peace in a bottle of pills.

But Leslie was saying that it’s all the same. That I need to allow whatever symptoms come up in my body. I have to stop resisting them, trying to make them go away. And that is when healing will come.  I think it really is true. That’s how what healing has happened with the thyroid tumor has come– from focusing on my spiritual practices: meditating, reading, allowing. There is a great talk by Story Waters on allowing, if you’re interested in that. The practice is basically to just be with whatever is happening in your body or mind– to watch it, to feel it, but without judgment. You’re not trying to change it or figure it out, you’re just allowing it. Of course, Story Waters explains it much better.

So I am going to finish out my last two allergy testing appointments. I am getting tested for molds and pollens, and maybe a couple more foods. But I’m not going to schedule an appointment with the nutritionist as the holistic doctor recommended. I have already done so much research on nutrition and changed my diet over the last 5 years that I don’t think I can go much further with dietary changes.

I have a follow-up appointment with the holistic doctor in two weeks, and I’ll see what he has to say. I want to finish this out since I’m in so far. But I think what I really need to do is see that everything is the same, and everything requires the same thing. I need to allow. I need to trust. I need to let go. I need to remember that I am Cause, not effect.

Ultrasound Results and No Surgery for Now

I picked the ultrasound results up from the hospital the next morning, and they showed that the tumor has shrunk again. This time not quite as much as in September, but the radiologist who read the report actually wrote down that it had shrunk. (Whereas in September he said that it was basically the same size.)

It was funny because in the past when I have picked up my ultrasound results I have always been very nervous/anxious. I go to the Medical Records office of the hospital and fill out a form, wait for them to print it out. They usually put it in an envelope, and then I have to get up the courage to actually open it. But this time, I didn’t really care that much. I had it in my head that I was getting surgery so it didn’t really matter if it had gotten bigger. And then it showed that it had shrunk.

I am developing a little theory that it grew last fall because of my super heavy workload at the time– especially from Thanksgiving through Christmas I was completely overwhelmed with work and family things. This all calmed down by the end of February.

After I got the results I met up with a friend for coffee. She is a relatively new friend, and I have never told her that I have thyroid cancer, but I have been wanting to. For one, I thought that the tumor on my neck was so obvious that she must be wondering what it was. And for two, I felt like we were growing close enough where I didn’t want to be holding out on something so big.

I am only including this to say that she said she had never noticed the tumor before. And here I have been thinking that everyone can see it and they’re just not saying anything!  It’s kind of funny how distorted our thinking can get. One of the main reasons I was thinking about surgery (and I know this is totally vain) was that I felt like the tumor was so plain to see, and it made me self-conscious. But now I realize that that’s actually not the case.

On Wednesday morning I woke up with the thought that I didn’t have to continue seeing the endocrinologist. I have had an appointment with an alternative thyroid doctor in the Boston area for over a month now. Initially when I made the appointment he didn’t have any time available until June 20th. I took it, but I knew I couldn’t wait that long and that was when I decided to make an appointment with the environmental/holistic doctor who could see me within 2 weeks. The afternoon before my appointment with this environmental/holistic doctor, the thyroid doctor’s office called and said they had a cancellation and could see me on May 13th.

So on Wednesday morning it occurred to me that I could just go to this other thyroid doctor– I could pursue surgery with him, and he’d likely be a lot more open. Late Wednesday morning I called the endocrinologist to find out the results of my blood tests. He said that my thyroid levels were all fine and that my thyroid was working properly, but that my TSH levels were “in the 2s,” which he thinks is too high. He dove right in again talking about how full removal of the thyroid was the best course. I told him I was going to see another thyroid doctor next week, and that I would see what he said.

Then on Thursday I went to my chiropractor. (I am on a chiropractic plan that entails getting adjusted twice a week for four months. It’s not really related to the thyroid cancer. Unless of course it is:) The chiropractor and his wife– they work together– are both very interested in alternative healing and very supportive. When I told them about the good ultrasound report, they were very encouraging.

And then (to finish this rambling story), on the drive home I was listening to The Teachings of Inner Ramana, when there was a sentence that seemed to speak directly to my issue, and I realized that I actually had a lot of faith in my ability to heal without surgery. I decided then to put off surgery again for a while.

The ultrasound results show that the tumor is basically the same size that it was a year and a half ago. I’m about to undergo a super thorough battery of allergy tests, and I have a holistic doctor who wants to find the underlying cause of the cancer. I think I have a lot going for me at this point, and I think surgery can wait.

Also, the hormone imbalance seems to be settling down. I haven’t had anymore of that heavy sadness that seems to descend out of the blue. I think I still have a little of the hot flashes, but they are much more subtle. I don’t think I would even notice them if they hadn’t been so much more pronounced before.

Trust is everything

I was thinking that I should redo my home page to state that my goal is more about spiritual awakening than it is about healing from thyroid cancer. Of course I want to heal from thyroid cancer, but my main goal is spiritual awakening.

I have been reading Adyashanti’s book The End of Your World. In it he describes how he had a partial awakening when he was 25, but that it took 7 more years before he fully awakened. During this time he got very sick. At the time he was a competitive biker, and the sicknesses made his body so weak that he finally had to give up this view of himself. He had to let go of his attachment to being a strong, healthy, exceptionally good biker.

With all my new health issues, I am wondering if these are part of my spiritual path too. I mean, the answer is yes since everything is part of our spiritual path. But it is possible for me to look at my new health problems through my ego and get very frustrated. Here I’ve spent nearly 3 years doing all sort of alternative means to heal my body; I think I’ve begun to make progress– I got far fewer colds this winter than I have in years, the tumor shrunk last September, my allergies seem to have improved–when a whole new slew of symptoms come in.

It’s kind of ironic. I had always wanted to write a blog about healing naturally from thyroid cancer. I was holding off because I wanted to write a success story. This is what I was looking for when I was first diagnosed– for someone to tell me how they had healed their thyroid without getting it taken out. And I almost thought I was in the homestretch when I started writing in January– that it was still a little hairy but that it would be good to show people how I could keep the faith through difficult times and then come out strong in the end.

But what is happening is that my body is bringing up new problems. Problems I’ve never had before. I’m weary of the effort that alternative healing takes, and I’m willing to do almost anything to just get my health problems behind me. Enough of health problems! There is a lot more to life than obsessing over your body.

But I am also seeing how all of this could really be for my spiritual growth. Part of my path. Here are some various ideas that came to me today:

• Holy Spirit told Regina Akers to go to McDonald’s. She hated McDonald’s. She thought it was a horrible company making terrible food for people. But her daughter loved it, and as an assignment, Holy Spirit told her to go to McDonald’s whenever her daughter asked. Regina said that for a while she was going as much as twice a week.

I bring this up because it shows that the form doesn’t really matter. I have the belief that McDonald’s food is terrible for you; that Holy Spirit would be damaging Regina by making her eat there, but it’s not true. It’s just a belief. We give everything all the meaning it has for us.

Somehow I find some reassurance in this– that even if I get put on a gluten-free or dairy-free diet (my biggest fears:), it will just be an exercise. If I trust in it it can work. There aren’t truly any bad foods.

•  Adyashanti got very sick as a way to release his attachment to his physical body. It could be that my getting sick when I believe I should be getting better is simply a lesson come to teach me that I am not in charge and I cannot be in charge of my own healing. I have tried to be in charge of my healing and I have failed miserably. My only option now is to surrender to Holy Spirit. To surrender to what is. To let it all take its course.

• Michael Langford says that practicing awareness watching awareness is the quickest way to wake up, but if you don’t want to do it, suffering is another option. I was kind of smiling today when I thought of this. When I read in The Most Direct Means to Eternal Bliss that you’re supposed to meditate a minimum of 2 hours a day, I thought that was so demanding. But is making myself go through cancer and hormone problems, allergy testing, and on and on actually better? I am clearly on the suffering path. Meditating sounds a lot more rewarding.

• And I reread this today in The Impersonal Life: “But in all your seeking and all your striving, let it be with faith and trust in Me, your True Self within, and without being anxious about the results; for the results are all in My keeping, and I will take care of them.  Your doubts and your anxiety are but of the personality, and if allowed to persist will lead only to failure and disappointment.”

I can see that what I need to do is trust. I am going to do whatever this new doctor says. I have come to him with the purpose of healing. It is his purpose to heal me too. I am going to do my best to trust him. To trust that it is Holy Spirit working through him and everyone else he is sending me to. I am going to let go. I’ll do whatever diet is recommended to the best of my ability, but I won’t stress about it. Holy Spirit sent Regina to McDonald’s. I don’t think it’s the form that matters.

I think the important thing is for me to trust. To let go and trust. Trust is the antidote to everything.

An alternative doctor and a healing plan

I went to an alternative doctor today, a doctor who is interested in healing the cause of illness, not in treating the symptoms. It seems like such an obvious response, but it’s not. My primary care doctor, who is part of a “holistic” practice has never expressed any interest in figuring out what is at the root of the cancer.

I have been trying to make sense of my thoughts and feelings since the appointment. First I’ll say that the doctor said that he doesn’t think I have low thyroid. He thinks I have a hormone imbalance (I have a low sex drive, screwed up menstrual cycle, and now more and more frequent mood shifts– what I notice mainly is a heavy sadness that seems to fall on me). He says he could fix these symptoms with hormone therapy but that that wouldn’t get at the root of the cause.

He says my body is not detoxing properly and has ordered a series of blood (and other) tests to look for suspicious toxins. I know fungus and mold were two of them. He has also told me to  go to an endocrinologist to get a full battery of tests and a diagnosis, to get skin patch allergy tests, and then to follow up with a nutritionist to be put on a diet that works with whatever food allergies I may have. He said I look like I have food allergies. (Do you think that’s a compliment?)

In general he thinks there’s something fairly seriously out of balance. When I told him my experience of waking up in the middle of the night from taking Iodoral, he said that very few people had adverse reactions to Iodoral and this was another red flag.

After I left I felt like crying. And why? In part I think because of this hormonal thing. I felt that same heavy sadness descend. But also it seemed like too much—too much to have to go to all these appointments, too much to have to follow a diet, too much to have all this hormonal problems coming in now after 3 years of effort at healing naturally. And then it occurred to me that perhaps this was all a gift from Holy Spirit to nudge me out of my small self, to push me into surrender. Because honestly I don’t feel like I can do all of this on my own.

On the way home I got pulled over by a policeman for driving through a stop sign. Thankfully he only gave me a warning. While I was waiting for him to write it up I was thinking about how I had attracted all this with my gloomy mood, and then I thought about how I couldn’t bear to be in charge of attracting the right things to myself. I couldn’t bear to be in charge of making sure that my thoughts were aligned rightly, that I was focusing on the proper things. Certainly I can’t bear to focus on my healing any more. I am so sick of it.

It was kind of funny. When the doctor was saying he could give me something to fix my hormone imbalance, I was thinking, “Give it to me!” I don’t really feel this way totally, but part of me is so tired of all this healing effort. I don’t even care if I’m fully healed anymore. I just want to be like everyone else and make the problem go away as fast as possible.

The tumor is hurting today a bit. Little twinges of slight pain. I asked the doctor if he thought I should get surgery, and he said he really couldn’t say. Then I asked if he thought surgery would interfere with his plan to get at the root cause, and he said it wouldn’t.

I have another ultrasound in a week and a half. I will make an appointment with the endocrinologist tomorrow, and hopefully he will be able to recommend a good thyroid surgeon.

Letting go of addictive fears

I was just listening to a teaching by Regina Dawn Akers that is really helpful in relation to believing in your own healing.  Here is the link to the audio teaching. You need to scroll down on the page to get to “I place the future in the Hands of God.” It’s a fairly long teaching and has two parts. The part that applies to healing from cancer (or any physical illness) is from about 40 minutes onward in Part 1.

Holy Spirit defines addictive fears as those fears we have that seem like truth. So for instance if you have a fear/judgment that you are fat and you want to let it go, it can seem very difficult to do so when every time you look in the mirror your belief is confirmed. Addictive fears seem like facts. So for me, one addictive fear is the tumor on my neck. I know that I need to believe that I am healed to be healed, but this can seem like a very challenging thing to do when I am constantly reminded of the tumor every time I look in the mirror. Regina explains it very clearly in her teaching.

Here is the message that Regina is teaching from. It comes from Holy Spirit:

“Question: Please teach us how to stop listening to our addictive fears. I make this request in love and through a desire to know only thy Self.

Answer: Addictive fears are those same fears that come into your mind repeatedly over a period of time. They are the fears that scare you the most, because you believe they are true. They are the fears that seem to have evidence within your world, the fears that have already become manifest in your experience. Addictive fears are fears you are living now, and you cannot seem to turn your mind away from them because the evidence of your fear is a constant reminder that the fear you fear is real.

There are two ways to overcome addictive fears: faith and knowledge.

Faith is the first level of overcoming addictive fear. Faith works because you are that which you are. Faith works even if you do not have knowledge. It doesn’t matter what you put your faith in. It could be faith in God, faith in a person, faith in therapy or magic, incantation or medicine…but if you have faith in anything as a means of taking away that which you fear, that which you fear shall be taken away. You may not be aware that it was taken away through your faith, but your faith is the power that led to the change in experience.

Knowledge is the second level of healing or overcoming addictive fear. Knowledge as a means of healing is most useful to the mind because it teaches the mind that the truth is always true. Knowledge need not be complete in order to be useful for this purpose. Incomplete knowledge can be combined with faith, and a powerful teaching formula is enacted within the mind.

The knowledge that is helpful to your awakening is the knowledge that you are the power you call mind. When you realize that mind is your power and everything else is its effect, you realize there is nothing to fear. You realize there is only choice, and you are the one who chooses.

When your knowledge in this lifetime is near its completion, you will make a choice and see its effects immediately. But when this knowledge seems to be building within your mind…that is, when you are still accepting that the truth about you is true…you will seem to make a choice with fear and doubt still in the mind, so the effects of your choice may seem to take time. Do not let this discourage you. Continue to make the choice in faith. You are learning that which you desire to learn. You are learning that effects are the result of your choice. Even in the lack of immediacy, you are learning this, because you know there is fear in your mind and you can see the fear reflected in what seems to be a delay in results.

Do not lament the delay in results. Instead, rejoice. Rejoice that you are learning the truth is true! As you rejoice in this evidence, your fear will diminish and you will accept that mind is all there is. As you accept that mind is all there is, your desire to master the mind shall increase through love, and the effects that blossom forth out of love shall teach you the knowledge you rejoice in knowing.

The truth shall set you free because you are free. In this knowledge you know the sweet, sweet taste of your freedom.”

 

This is so much what I have been trying to do: to believe in my own healing and so experience it. I sometimes wonder why none of the alternative methods I have tried didn’t work for me. I wonder if I didn’t believe in them sufficiently. I think I was never certain that something would work for me (like the raw food diet, or a cancer diet, or Protocel, etc.), but I was always hopeful. And you always read things about people who say, “My husband never thought this would work for him, and it did!” which make it seem like you don’t actually have to believe it for it to work.

What I think now (not that it really matters what I think) is that these decisions are made by our higher Selves. I have a feeling that it is my path to search for healing through the mind, through Source; while for others it is their path to be healed by food or a supplement.

I have been focusing recently on watching myself and seeing that I am not the one making the decisions I make, taking the actions I take. A friend just recommended a book called The Impersonal Life, which I have been reading online. You can also find it on Amazon. It’s another channeled book, and the author talks about how we, as our personalities, think we are responsible for so many things when in fact it’s God or Source who is directing us in everything. It’s just that the personality through lots of time and practice, has found a way to twist our perception to make us think that we, the personality, are in charge when we’re not.

My point is that I can think and put all sorts of mental effort into making a certain outcome happen, but it’s our higher, “Impersonal Self” as the book calls it, that makes things happen or not happen. This feels quite freeing to me– like I (as my personality) have just been absolved of the responsibility for getting myself into this mess. My higher self was directing me all along.

One more thing, which is that Regina mentions that the only reason it might be “better” to be healed through conscious faith is that it teaches you who you really are– an extension of God. Whereas if you are healed through a pill, you’re still healed, but you continue to believe that you are simply a body.

 

 

Looking for love in all the wrong places and then in the right place

I have been continuing to waver between faith and fear. I found a number of websites that talk about the iodine protocol that Dr. Brownstein suggests. Here are the websites– they are all on thyroid issues and healing them using supplements and natural hormones:

Stop the Thyroid Madness a site which endorses using natural hormones rather than synthetic ones to fix thyroid problems.

Natural Thyroid Choices, the site and blog of a woman who had thyroid cancer which spread to her lymph nodes and how she healed. (She actually went to Dr. Brownstein.)

Iodine Yahoo Group, a discussion group for people using iodine to improve their health. I believe it was started by the woman from Natural Thyroid Choices.

These websites have a lot of useful information, but I was looking for two things: a thyroid doctor recommendation in the Boston area and for someone who had had a similar experience as me when taking iodine. I have spent hours on these websites, and haven’t really found either. I did get one clue that my iodine experience might be due to adrenal overload.

I did find a thyroid doctor. He was recommended by my chiropractor’s wife. I made an appointment for June 20th, which was the first available.

And so what is my point here except that I have been delving into the world, looking for a solution to my thyroid issues, and it has been completely frustrating and mostly fruitless. Last night after spending two hours on the internet, hopping from link to link trying to get my questions answered, I wrote two emails. One to a medical intuitive I saw almost 3 summers ago when I first discovered the nodule, and one to the woman who runs the natural thyroid choices website. I asked the medical intuitive for a recommendation of a natural thyroid doctor, and I asked the website woman about having a consultation with her. (It says on her website that she does phone consultations. She is now a naturopathic doctor and specializes in all of this.) I promptly got two denials. The medical intuitive wrote this fast email without addressing me or signing off, saying that I should not go to an endocrinologist. That general practitioners were best. And the website woman said she was not doing consultations at this time.

It struck me as funny to get such abrupt and negative responses. Like it is confirmation that I am looking in the wrong place. It completely takes me out of my peace to scan the internet for information. There is a lot of fear and warnings on these websites. So much belief in the necessity of doing the right thing. So much belief that healing is found in the right combination of pills. I begin to buy into it. I wonder what the right thing is for me. I keep looking on the web. I hope that I can find someone who will help me find the right thing for me.

Then today I read from NTI, Luke, Chapter 22. It is an extremely helpful chapter for me. It’s kind of long and I didn’t want to copy the whole thing (though the whole thing is even better), so I’ve tried to excerpt some of the most important parts:

• “The thoughts within your mind can seem to take you in circles. You can seem to move from understanding to confusion at lightening speed, which makes you dizzy. Do not let this concern you. when this seems to happen within your mind, you are witnessing your own resistance struggling in a fight for survival. Remember that I have told you this is your fear of healing. Remember I have shown you that your fear of healing must be sickness. Be grateful that your sickness has come to the surface where it may be healed. Remember that the way in which you let sickness be healed is simply to rest in its presence.

• Do not get caught up in the struggle to understand what cannot be understood. Remember I have told you that this is a ploy of resistance. Instead, rest. Give your faith and willingness to Me, that you may be healed through your decision to rest and trust.

…

• You know that you want the comfort and peace of God. And now you know that this comfort and peace comes from within. So what you must do is choose the comfort and peace of God by denying anything that you recognize as alien to that comfort and peace. For if it is not of God, it does not exist. It is merely sickness born of imagined meaning. Therefore, there is nothing to do with it except let it be healed.

• Where you see a need to defend, rest and let that perception be healed. Where you see fear, rest and let that perception be healed. Where you see guilt, rest and let that perception be healed. Whenever you think you are not worthy of all of the glory of God, rest and let that perception be healed. As you rest, you will be healed.

• Within the mind of health, you will receive guidance. Trust and follow your guidance. It comes but from your true Self, which is based on truth, not illusion.

This last paragraph is where I get mixed up. I can see that I do all of what the other paragraphs talk about. In my search for the right mix of supplements, for the right doctor, I am seeing fear and the need to defend. That channel that I listened to a couple of weeks ago mentioned that I had waited a long time to with the cancer and that I could safely only wait another 6 months. So if this is true, I am feeling under the gun to heal. My ego mind tells me that if I wait until my doctor’s appointment on June 20th, it may be too late to implement iodine therapy, which is supposed to be so effective. This is fear. I should be resting and trusting. Not believing it and frantically searching the internet for answers.

Where I get mixed up is in trusting that I will receive guidance. And trusting in that guidance when I do receive it. When I asked the chiropractor for a thyroid doctor, the answer came so easily. Then I called up and the receptionist was kind and responsive. I think this was probably guidance. Whereas my fearful searching on the web has only led to two dead ends.

But even now I feel my ego tugging at me. To call the Broda Barnes Foundation again (even though I’ve left two messages) and try to find a doctor here who will work with me on the iodine therapy. My ego wants to take over. It wants to do something. It can’t stand resting and trusting.

I have been getting great comfort and peace from meditating with the Sacred Acoustics meditations. I listen to them and hold my hand over my thyroid. I took a reiki class last year, and there’s supposed to be healing coming out of my hands now. I make that sound so cynical. I actually do believe it, but I don’t think you necessarily have to take a reiki class for it to work. I think if you place your hand somewhere with the intention to heal, then it’s the intention that is healing through our One Mind, it’s not some secret thing that’s only granted to people who take a class.

If you are reading this I am sending you love and healing, too.

On healing and thoughts of concern

But on a more spiritual note, which is where I prefer to spend my time, I have been posted two new quotes on the inside of my bathroom mirror. My bathroom mirror now has so many notes on it, it’s like that scene from A Beautiful Mind where you follow the scientist into this little building, thinking he might be okay now, and there are notes covering all the walls, and you realize that he is fully crazy again. (Or this is my memory of it.) My father-in-law was visiting last week, and I wondered what he would think if he opened my mirror door.

Anyhow. Here are the two wonderful quotes on healing and worry that I am trying to imprint on my mind:

“Clear your mind of all that seems to concern you, for nothing that is concerning exists.

There is no cause for concern, because cause is of the mind. Concern is the belief that cause is of something other than the mind. It is a belief of smoke and mirrors, a deception and a distraction. Concern keeps your attention away from your Self, focused on the game of denial and specialness.

To remember who you are, notice when you are concerned, and then remember cause is of the mind. Be willing to let the concern go immediately as not real. It is not real, because mind can be changed. Choose again, and you will see differently. For this reason, there is no cause for concern. There is only mind, which is Spirit.”

This is from Regina Dawn Aker’s website. I can’t remember where. I think it’s from 2007.

And here is the second one, on healing:

“I am your leader in this process of healing. It is best for you to realize that you do not know the answers and you could not heal yourself. The way to healing is to listen to Me with the full attention of your ears. Focus them on nothing else and no one else. Quiet your mind, that you may hear only Me.

Do not believe the symptoms in your mind. Do not be distracted by them. Those small things are not the source of your sickness. But when you notice the symptoms, let them remind you that the source is within you still.  Give your willingness to the Source of Healing, that the source of sickness be taken away.

Turn your attention to your health. Live within your health. Be your health. Get up and walk with it, giving your attention to it, that it may grow within you.

Give all your attention to your willingness to be healed. Trust in your willingness.”

This is from The Holy Spirit’s Interpretation of the New Testament.

Peace.