Motivation

I have recently read a book called E-Squared by Pam Grout which has spurred me on a bit. It’s a series of 9 experiments that you do to change your experience by using your thoughts and mind. I didn’t have complete success in all of them, but I did have some dramatic things happen– enough to remind me that it’s all mind. Mind is all there is.

I have been becoming better at looking for a solution to whatever ails me in the present moment. Remembering that I am always creating with my thoughts, whether consciously or unconsciously. Pam Grout is very good at explaining all of this and showing how quantum physics describes the same thing. When you’re noticing a problem and focusing on it with resistance– like, “I can’t believe my allergies are so bad today,” you are creating more of this same experience in the future. Whereas if you allow the things you don’t like and keep your focus on what you do want at all times, it can’t help but appear. This is what Abraham is always teaching.

One thing, among many, that struck me in her book was the story of the founders of the Unity Church. One of them, Myrtle Fillmore had tuberculosis and aggravated malaria. Pam writes, “One day [Myrtle Fillmore] attended a lecture by New Thought teacher Dr. E. B. Weeks, who made the outrageous claim that God, who was all-good, would never wish disease on anyone. Furthermore, he said, if she aligned herself with this all-good spirit, she would discover her true self–which could only be healthy.

Over and over, Myrtle began affirming, ‘I am a child of God and therefore do not inherit sickness.’ She refused to ‘judge according to appearance’ and praised the vital energy of God within every cell of her body. Little by little, Myrtle began to get better. Within two years, there was no sign of her old illness.”

I know I have heard stories like this before, but this time it struck me that I have continued to hold on to at least some belief that God is behind my cancer. It’s not sensical because I no longer believe in God as some kind of individual being who makes decisions. But I think I was taught this so much growing up that it has been embedded in me. So despite reading that the body is supposed to be healthy and any illness comes from blockages that we create ourselves, I have nursed this belief that God is somewhere behind it all. I know I’ve thought that thyroid cancer has been a teacher in a way– making me focus more on the spiritual and what’s important to me in life. Perhaps I felt that God was behind this since it was driving me towards a closer experience of God.

So reading this in E-Squared shone a light on this belief of mine, and since then I have been focusing on seeing all symptoms of illness in myself as only coming from ego and as being completely unnecessary. I think that’s it, too. I’ve had a belief that the illness and the symptoms were necessary in some way: I had a lot of negative thoughts and beliefs that I harbored for many many years, and the result was thyroid cancer and bad allergies. Like some kind of penance I had to pay for bad behavior.

But that is all ego! No suffering is ever necessary.

Here is a quote I came across today from Dialogue on Awakening, another wonderful channeled or scribed book.

“There is truly but one form of medicine and that is the healing power you possess within your Self. It is the decision you make to either experience health or not to experience health and to allow your body to demonstrate that decision to you. While you are in a state of transition to this mode of thinking, you will invent many different types of crutches and they are fine. But recognize clearly that you are using these things to convince your mind to be healthy. If you are successful, they will work. If you are not, then no change will occur in the physical manifestation of the illness.

Your body is a tool of communication. One of the things it communicates most visibly is the choices you make in your mind. You see, for this to be otherwise it would put your body in the driver’s seat, in the position of control.”

Also: “It will not be the medication taken or treatment applied that makes your body well. In and of themselves, they have no meaning and therefore no effect. The power any medication or treatment has is given by you through the act of loving yourself.”

I need to know myself as perfectly healthy. If I believe that I am perfectly healthy, that is what must manifest itself because form follows belief. I highly recommend E-Squared for demonstrating that our ability to create experience is completely impersonal. It’s not because we are good or bad or because God wants us to have something– it is the Law of Attraction. If you truly believe in your healing, you must be healed. And if you are not healed, it is because you don’t truly belief in your healing. No God is up there making decisions about who is worthy.

So I am trying to focus on a belief in myself as perfectly healthy:)

Falling off the Wagon

I don’t think it was until the end of this summer, after I tried yet one more alternative healer–a nutritional therapist who uses muscle testing and Standard Process supplements–and it didn’t work, that I realized I was truly on a wild goose chase. I spent so much time and money last spring and early this summer going to an alternative doctor, getting lab tests, getting allergy tested, going to an endocrinologist, going to this nutritional therapist, buying supplements on my own; and none of it made any difference. In fact, I had the thought that since the diagnosis of thyroid cancer in September 2010, I have spent so much money and time on alternative healing methods, and I’m not sure any of it has made any difference. And likewise all the conventional doctor’s appointments, visiting the surgeon, getting ultrasounds– certainly none of the conventional things made a difference. Except perhaps that my vitamin D level is up because my doctor has me taking Vitamin D3 supplements.

It’s kind of like I’ve gone on this crazy trip just to end up where I already was. Like the conventional doctors scared me out of my wits with a diagnosis and repeated warnings of death and then the alternative doctors helped me believe that I could heal without surgery. But here I am without fear and with a lump on my neck, just like I was before my diagnosis.

I am oversimplifying, but it’s kind of true in a way. I do think my immune system is in much better shape than it was when I started out. I get far fewer colds, or half-colds like I used to get. But now I’ve have a reaction whenever I eat corn or anything corn-derived that makes me feel like I’m buzzing inside and makes me feel so warm or hot that I wake up in the night repeatedly. But in general, if I don’t eat corn, I feel great.

Ultrasound Results

I have a lot to write. (It has been a long time!) But first I will say that I had an ultrasound last week, and the results show that the tumor has shrunk again. Even the radiologist wrote that it was “slightly smaller” than on May 6th. It now measures 3.1 cm x 3.1 cm x 2.6 cm. The first measurement in May 2010 was 3.6 cm x 2.3 cm x 1.8 cm, and the largest measurement in May 2012 was 3.9 cm x 3.4 cm x 2.6 cm. I wrote before that I use an ellipsoid volume calculator to get an idea of the mass, since that’s the shape it has. Here are those same measurements in volume:  Latest ultrasound 104.4.   First ultrasound 62.3.  Largest ultrasound 144. So I’m halfway back to the start of this, if that means anything.

It’s been 5 months since the last ultrasound. My primary care physician, who has been strongly recommending surgery since the start of this, mentioned in the spring that she might not be able to continue to work with me (without my following conventional protocol) since her practice had been bought up by a more conservative organization. So for a while I thought I was doctorless– which was both freeing in a way and also depressing. But her nurse called the other week and said she wanted me to set up another ultrasound, so we are back on. I am happy about that because this doctor is a very good person and cares very much– and also it is fun to have ultrasounds and get feedback. If I hadn’t had an ultrasound I wouldn’t have thought anything had changed. I try to measure the lump with these body fat calipers that I have, but I can only measure one side, and I can get different readings depending on how hard I squeeze, where I place them… They are only helpful for large changes.

So these results have given me a bit of a boost. Though I was feeling good about things even before this. Which I will write more about in another post.