A Final Post

I have been meaning to write a final post for many months now. I continue to learn and change my views as I do. If I could go back to the beginning of this journey, knowing what I know now, I would make completely different choices. But I guess that’s what learning is, and I wouldn’t even know what I know now if I hadn’t been made the choices I did.

Summer 2014

Where to start… About a year ago in June 2014, I finally began to realize that iodine was causing me more trouble than it was worth. After a year and a half of using iodine on and off, I decided to quit. In fact, I decided that all the supplements I had been taking were just another wild goose chase, and that I was going to stop spending time and money on them.

My health had been very good during the previous winter and spring. I think I may have gotten one small cold, but very few allergy symptoms. I also felt very good mentally and spiritually– like I was on track.

It was very shortly after this that I had an ultrasound in July which showed that the tumor had grown significantly. The tumor was shaped like an ellipsis. To give you an idea of its growth over time, when it was initially measured in May 2010, the ellipsoid volume was 62.3. It grew steadily until May of 2012 when it reached a peak volume of 144. Since then it decreased in volume to 104. And then the  July ultrasound showed that the volume was now 137.4, nearly as large as it ever was. The radiologist also said that there were “two small nodes seen lateral to the common carotid artery measuring about 5 mm.” The gist of it seemed to be that the cancer was spreading.

One ultrasound back in the Fall of 2010 had mentioned suspicious lymph nodes, but since then this had never happened.

I had had the same two ultrasound technicians since I started getting ultrasounds. This time I had a new woman, and during the scan she asked me why I didn’t just get my thyroid removed. I said that I didn’t want to take drugs for the rest of my life, among other things, and she said, “Just get half out! That’s what I did.” Then she proceeded to tell me about how she had thyroid symptoms in her 20s, had had half her thyroid removed, was completely fine afterwards and never had to take medication.

What impressed me about this was that removing half of her thyroid had gotten rid of her symptoms. I believe hers included extreme hot spells and weight gain. No one had ever told me that removing part of the thyroid would relieve any symptoms…

What symptoms?

When I initially discovered the lump in my neck back in 2010, I had just had horrible spring allergies. I was completely wiped out for weeks. This had never happened before. As I seemingly boosted my health with lots of alternative methods, my allergies had improved. They weren’t entirely gone, but they weren’t nearly as bad as that spring. But then other “symptoms” appeared. I would occasionally gain a pound or two out of the blue, and my periods were growing closer together. Now they averaged every 25 days. My sex drive had been low ever since having children years ago. I didn’t like these things, and I attributed them to my thyroid.

Now since then I have met many women in their mid-40s who experience weight gain and increased periods. I think it just often goes with the territory. But at the time I thought for the very first time that maybe surgery had something to offer.

When I got the results of the ultrasound I was so upset. Often in the past I had been very nervous to open up the test results, but this time I was very confident they would be good. So I was completely blown away. Here I was feeling so good physically, mentally and spiritually, and yet the test reflected the opposite.

What to do…

It seemed like a decision had to be made. I was vacillating between remembering all that I knew spiritually as the truth and falling into fear. I knew that my doctor would be calling as soon as she got the results to pitch more fear to me, tell me what she had said all along, that I was risking my life, that I was a mother, that surgery wasn’t a big deal. And in the meantime, I was getting all sorts of new sensations in the tumor. I often felt things in my tumor– sometimes itching which I always took to be healing, and sometimes little sharp shooting sensations. But now there was this greatly increased activity (which I am sure was all fear-caused) which seemed to back up the physical evidence.

What I decided upon was a kind of compromise: I wasn’t convinced that that the doctors were right, but I was getting tired of fighting this battle. The idea that I could get half of the thyroid removed, potentially get rid of a bunch of my symptoms, and put this whole ordeal behind me seemed like a solution.

Surgery

Somewhat fearfully I found a thyroid surgeon and made an appointment. I wondered if the surgeon would be opposed to getting only half removed. I don’t believe that is offered as a solution very often, at least in Boston. One thing an endocrinologist told me was that if you get the whole thyroid out, they are able to monitor what they believe are thyroid cancer markers in your blood. I forget exactly what, but they believe an increased level of a certain thyroid hormone indicates a likelihood of cancer since you should no longer be able to produce these.  If you only get half of the thyroid out, they can’t use that hormone as a marker.

I met initially with a physician’s assistant who explained the surgery to me. He recommended a full thyroidectomy, but when I said I only wanted to get half removed he didn’t put up a fight at all. The date of surgery was set for early September, and the surgeon ordered another ultrasound and a CAT scan. The ultrasound to check on the suspicious nodes. If they were indeed cancerous then the surgery would include removing them. The CAT scan so that he had a clear picture of where everything within the neck was located for doing the surgery.

This follow-up ultrasound showed that there were no suspicious lymph nodes so this wouldn’t be an issue. Actually, even before the follow-up ultrasound an endocrinologist who worked with the surgeon looked at my July ultrasound and thought that the lymph nodes were normal. This came as a bit of a relief, but I was still believing that the tumor had grown rapidly (and continued to grow rapidly?)

August went by and September came. The day before the surgery a friend of mine asked if I was excited about it. I was taken aback because I was so far from excited about it, and I remember thinking, “I should be excited about this.” But I wasn’t at all. I saw it as something to get through. And below that I felt like I had caved in to all the pressure. Still, I reminded myself, I was putting thyroid cancer behind me. I was putting an end to this.

On the morning of the surgery I arrived at the hospital in the morning. My surgery was scheduled for 1 pm, but there had been a complication with the patient before me so I had to wait an extra two hours for that to be resolved. They actually offered me the option of rescheduling, but it had been very tricky to find a window where I had two weeks to recover, so I said I would wait.

The surgery went smoothly. They said they had gotten all of the tumor, emphasizing how good it was that no cancer had spread beyond it.

After the surgery, regret

My recovery from the surgery was rough. I don’t think I had realized how traumatic it would be for my body. After all, for years everyone had been telling me to get it out like it was no big deal at all. I was sick from the anesthesia all evening. I left the hospital at 8 pm to go home, but I probably should have stayed overnight. I threw up right before getting into the car and then as soon as I got home.

I was completely wiped out the next day and stayed in bed most of the day. The following day I may have taken a walk. I felt very much like I had been invaded, violated. My throat had been sliced open, and there was a big bandage over it. I regretted the surgery almost as soon as it had happened.

On the second night following the surgery I was awake all night with the same kind of buzzing insomnia that the iodine supplements had given me. I thought, “This is outrageous! Here I have had the surgery, and I am having worse symptoms than I’ve had all summer!”

My regret was very intense that first weekend. Then I made a little bit of peace with it, and then it would return a week or two later. This happened all throughout the fall, really every time I didn’t feel well I would fall back into regret. And I didn’t feel well quite a bit that fall. I had a whole series of health problems. One week I had a terrible stomach bug and was throwing up like crazy (aside from the effects of the anesthesia, I hadn’t thrown up in years and years), I had many small colds, I was frequently exhausted, and finally my back went out.

Inaccurate Ultrasound

On a follow up visit to the surgeon I got the results of the surgery. It showed that the tumor was still papillary carcinoma (I have to say I had a strong hope that it would show up as benign). It also showed that the tumor measured 3.5 cm x 2.5 cm x 2. That gives it a volume of 73.3. This as opposed to the July ultrasound which said it measured 4.1 cm x 3.2 cm x 2.5 cm, a volume of 137. The July ultrasound was massively inaccurate!  The true size of the tumor showed that it had shrunk nearly down to its initial size in May 2010.

When I asked the surgeon about this, he said, “Oh, well the measurement after surgery is always more accurate.” Obviously.

I do have a theory about why the July ultrasound was inaccurate. The hospital where I got all of my ultrasounds had gotten a new piece of ultrasound equipment earlier that year. When I was going for my previous ultrasound in January the technician started to bring me to the room where the new equipment was and then said, you know what, let’s bring you to the older machine so that your reading will be consistent with your previous ones. I am guessing that my July ultrasound was done on the new machine.

Common Sense

All this said, if I had just used my common sense back when I got the unfavorable July ultrasound, I could have avoided a lot of suffering. As I said, at the time I was feeling really good, in a good state of mind. The appearance of the tumor itself on my neck did not appear any larger. Western medicine would tell you that their evidence and beliefs are the truth and that you need to listen to them or risk death. But in a rational world no one would suggest that you remove a major organ when you feel perfectly well.

Obviously regret isn’t good, but I actually think it’s one of the worst emotions because you feel so upset and you can do absolutely nothing about it. You can’t go back and undo a surgery. I imagine a lot of my health problems last fall were caused as much by my intense regret as they were from the surgery itself. Gradually the regret subsided. I would say that since January my health has been back to normal, that is, very good. I think I have fully recovered from the surgery, and now I really do feel like thyroid cancer is behind me.

I have a scar on my neck, but I don’t look at the mirror and think, “I might have cancer,” anymore. I go days without thinking about cancer. When back when I had a tumor, cancer was always lurking at least a little bit.

Things I have learned

I have learned a million things, but one big one is that you don’t need to do what the doctor tells you to. Of course this is obvious, but I don’t think most people question doctors’ orders at all. It’s so much the basis of the patient-doctor relationship that doctor’s tell you what you have to do without even beginning to ask for your agreement or input.

After the surgery I met with the surgeon again, and then also with an endocrinologist. The endocrinologist wanted to set up appointments I want to say every 6 months or so, for the foreseeable future. They wanted to monitor my blood and thyroid levels, check periodically for any further signs of cancer. One young doctor in training told me that there was a chance that the cancer would come back and that I would know it if I felt a marble like thing in my neck.

After all the reading I have done about health and the mind, that is the most ridiculous thing to say to someone. Seth, in many of the Seth books,  explains so clearly how crazy the idea of “preventative” medicine is. The doctors are looking for every signs of illness; they’re not trying to support health. Illness is assumed as the eventual position everyone will be in; health is never assumed as a natural state. So if I were to return to the endocrinologist every 6 months, the assumption would be an underlying fear-belief that the cancer might return.

It’s ironic because the doctors always pitched surgery as a way to put an end to cancer, but in fact, if I followed their advice, there would never be an end to cancer. Once you’ve had cancer, they assume you’re always at risk for a recurrence. Even if you haven’t had cancer, they are looking for it with regular colonoscopies and mammograms.

So I am all done with doctors for the time being. I don’t agree with so much that they do and assume. I am thoroughly convinced now that all health issues are caused by our thoughts and beliefs. If I get sick, I know that this is where I should be focusing, not on the symptoms, and certainly not on diseases.

If I could do it all again

This is kind of fanciful because of course this isn’t possible, and I wouldn’t be where I am without having gone through it. BUT if I could, I would have stopped visiting doctors right after my initial visit with medical intuitive who said she didn’t believe my tumor was cancer. I would have taken all those physical steps to improve my health: cleansing and making changes to my diet. I would focus on figuring out what caused me to develop the growth, and I would work on letting go whatever beliefs were blocking me, preventing my perfect health. Because perfect health is our natural state. If we can get our negative beliefs out of the way, perfect health is what remains.

I believe that going to the various doctors and getting regular ultrasounds basically functioned to remind me over and over that I was not perfectly healthy, that I had cancer and all the attendant fears. To heal, you need to believe in your health. You need to be convinced of it, and that is difficult when you visit a doctor regularly and are told that their tests are more knowledgeable than you are about your own body.

I realize this is a very radical step for most people, but like I said, if I could do it again, I would drop the doctors and rely on my own feelings and knowledge about my body.

An update and supplements report

It’s been so long since I’ve posted, which is a good thing in terms of my health. My last thyroid ultrasound in mid-January showed that the tumor had grown slightly to an ellipsoid volume of 111.2, up from 104.4 in October. So a slight increase. It’s funny, though, because the radiologist who has mostly ignored any decreases up until now, actually ignored this slight increase and wrote on his report that the tumor had decreased 10% in volume over the year. This was enough to put my doctor at ease and we agreed that the next ultrasound would be in 6 months (July).

I continue on my spiritual path, which has felt particularly difficult this year. I really hope this is because I am making progress:) My health, on the other hand, has been better than it’s been in years. Our family (me, husband and two children 8 and 9 years old) made it through this winter healthier than we ever have. Far healthier. I think I got one minor cold. And now as I enter allergy season it’s been so far so good. Last year at this time I was wiped out many afternoons, something that has been going on since spring of 2010 when I initially discovered the thyroid nodule.

In part I credit the improvement to figuring out some good supplements. Currently I am taking

• fermented cod liver oil (3 capsules/day)
• vitamin D3 (5000 mg/day)
• NOW magnesium citrate (400 mg/day in evening)
• Pure Radiance C powder (1 tsp/day) I take this rather than regular vitamin C because it’s not a corn derivative, and I have or had an allergy to corn. It’s kind of expensive, but I swear it seems to keep my immune system strong.
• Pure (brand name) Adrenal (1 in am, 1 in pm)
• Thorne Selenomethionine (200 mcg in am)
• Lugol’s 5% solution iodine (1 drop 1-3x/week)
• Celtic sea salt (1/2 tsp) on days that I take Lugol’s, also use it liberally on my food

I was also taking Riboflavin and Niacin for much of the winter, but I began to get stomach aches and when I removed it, they went away. I have to say figuring out the supplements has been very tricky for me. I was using David Brownstein’s book Iodine as a guide, but the amounts of things he recommends have been way too much for me. For instance, he recommends that people with cancer take up to 50 mg/day. 1 drop is 6.25 mg, and the most I have been able to take is 4 drops/week.

My main problem with iodine has been that it upsets my sleep. I have trouble falling asleep and/or wake up as early as 3 am unable to fall back asleep. It’s for that reason that I am taking the Pure Adrenal, which supports your adrenals, which are, I guess, what get thrown out of whack by the iodine for some people. I also think it’s important to take the selenium as that balances out the iodine and supports the thyroid.

I feel like with these supplements, my energy is really good, my sex drive is decent, and my periods are fairly regular.  When I wasn’t taking them (I didn’t start until January 2013) my periods were getting all screwed up, and my sex drive was nil. And I have to say it has taken me a very long time to figure out what is right for me. Sleep being the main problem when things go off.

There is one more supplement I am starting to take (and wonder if down the line it might be all that I need). That is Pure Synergy Vita-Min-Herb for women. There is also a version for me. I think I should probably be taking a multi-vitamin, too. Like all the others I don’t seem to be able to handle the recommended dose so I am alternating taking it with Lugol’s. My rule of thumb is that I have to have had 2 good nights of sleep before taking anything that contains iodine (in case it disrupts my sleep). And this supplement contains iodine.

One more thing about supplements is that I think the organic or whole food versions of them are much more potent than the synthetic ones. So, for instance, I was taking Dr. Ron’s magnesium pills for a while. These are only 150 mg, but one pill was all I needed. Magnesium seems to help keep my digestion going well. Since switching to NOW magnesium I am taking 400 mg. I think the same is true of that Pure Radiance C powder– it’s way less vitamin C than is recommended by Dr. Brownstein, but (I think) it’s been great at keeping my immune system strong. That’s not to say you have to take organic, but that not all versions work the same so you can’t just go by the milligrams.

I think I’ve given this link before, but this is a .pdf guide to supplementing with iodine based on Dr. Brownstein and Dr. Abraham’s research, which is helpful.

So overall I am feeling very good and don’t really believe that I have cancer anymore. I set an intention every night before I sleep for the tumor to dissolve in the most productive way possible and for perfect health to manifest in every cell of my body. I will see what the ultrasound shows in July, but the tumor/nodule doesn’t seem to be changing much that I can tell. On the other hand, it doesn’t seem as visible as it used to.

I am still avoiding corn. I’m not eating popcorn or corn chips or straight corn, but I’m not concerned about getting small doses of it in other things. I believe what I thought was a very strong reaction (crazy insomnia) to it in the late summer was stress rather than corn. Perhaps this summer when the spring allergens are gone, I’ll give corn a try again.

 

Formal Letter

I thought it might be helpful to some to mention that my doctor recently sent me a letter by certified mail. As I have mentioned, her practice which had a more holistic bent, was bought out by a larger and more conservative health care organization. She wasn’t sure at the time that she would be able to continue to serve as my doctor if I continued to follow an unconventional treatment.

Just recently I received a formal letter from her in which she reviews the fact that I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma in 2010, how a biopsy confirmed this, how a specialist recommended surgery as a cure, how I opted not to have surgery with the understanding that the tumor could grow and spread to other parts of the body. It goes on to say that since then I have been receiving periodic ultrasounds, that the tumor has stabilized but has not gone away, that if the tumor grows my chances for a cure may be significantly compromised, and how she encourages me to pursue surgery.

This was done to have a legal record that I have been offered surgery and have declined it.

I am actually quite grateful that my doctor and this organization are still willing to work with me. I’m not upset by the letter. I just think it’s interesting to note that the establishment is not at all comfortable with people pursuing alternative healthcare options and to some extent this is a legal issue.

Wayne Dyer and John of God

A friend just recently sent me this link. It’s Wayne Dyer talking to Abraham. I don’t know too much about Wayne Dyer, except that my mom read his books and he’s often on PBS during their fundraisers. He was diagnosed with leukemia some time ago, and in this talk he explains how John of God healed him. Or how he has perceived that John of God healed him, because as Abraham points out, Wayne Dyer allowed himself to be healed.

I just found out about John of God this fall when a friend of mine who was going to see him asked if I wanted her to take my photo. You can bring photos of people to receive blessings from him and his entourage. Apparently he has healed millions of people. He lives in Brazil, and you can go to visit him there.

I mainly wanted to post the link to this discussion which is very good. It is reaffirming that fear holds illness in place and that we must release our fear and belief in our sickness to allow health to be restored.

One thing I would add is that Abraham seems to emphasize (or maybe it’s more my emphasis) that you have to be willing to be healed. The person who is sick has the biggest role to play. John of God can help people see more clearly or perhaps help them release their fears, but it is their expectation and belief in John of God that is allowing them to release these fears.

My friend who went to see John of God told me that they said it often takes 3 visits to John of God before people are healed. That you can’t expect to go there and be instantly healed. But I think that it’s only the fact that people aren’t ready to be instantly healed that prevents them from instantaneous healing.

I continue to think about my realization this fall that I believed my cancer was some kind of penance– a kind of payback– for all the stress and negativity I put myself through many years ago. From the moment when I received the cancer diagnosis I did not feel like I was a victim or that this was bad luck. I understood that I had brought it to myself. But I got stuck there– feeling like I had made my bed and now I had to sleep on it. Until it finally occurred to me that there is never any reason for suffering or punishment. All that is required is to let go of the negative thoughts that appear.

But what I did for a time was rearrange the negative thoughts: after the diagnosis I began being kinder to myself, allowing myself to rest more, allowing myself to spend as much time as I wanted on my spiritual practice, allowing myself to go to counseling, get acupuncture, etc.  I gave myself all kinds of attention and care in the form of alternative treatments. But I was holding on to the belief that I deserved the cancer because of my previous behavior. And this is certainly a negative thought.

I do think now that I have mostly let this go. I honestly don’t believe that I even have cancer anymore. There is still a lump, but it is dissolving and one day it will be gone. I feel healthy and energetic. I have no reason to believe in sickness at all.

The other day I was thinking that I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone again that I have thyroid cancer. It doesn’t seem true anymore. It seems like to tell someone that would be to hold on to a past story that is no longer relevant. And I know that the more I believe this, the more I am convinced of this, the quicker the lump and any remaining effects of the cancer will be gone.

Motivation

I have recently read a book called E-Squared by Pam Grout which has spurred me on a bit. It’s a series of 9 experiments that you do to change your experience by using your thoughts and mind. I didn’t have complete success in all of them, but I did have some dramatic things happen– enough to remind me that it’s all mind. Mind is all there is.

I have been becoming better at looking for a solution to whatever ails me in the present moment. Remembering that I am always creating with my thoughts, whether consciously or unconsciously. Pam Grout is very good at explaining all of this and showing how quantum physics describes the same thing. When you’re noticing a problem and focusing on it with resistance– like, “I can’t believe my allergies are so bad today,” you are creating more of this same experience in the future. Whereas if you allow the things you don’t like and keep your focus on what you do want at all times, it can’t help but appear. This is what Abraham is always teaching.

One thing, among many, that struck me in her book was the story of the founders of the Unity Church. One of them, Myrtle Fillmore had tuberculosis and aggravated malaria. Pam writes, “One day [Myrtle Fillmore] attended a lecture by New Thought teacher Dr. E. B. Weeks, who made the outrageous claim that God, who was all-good, would never wish disease on anyone. Furthermore, he said, if she aligned herself with this all-good spirit, she would discover her true self–which could only be healthy.

Over and over, Myrtle began affirming, ‘I am a child of God and therefore do not inherit sickness.’ She refused to ‘judge according to appearance’ and praised the vital energy of God within every cell of her body. Little by little, Myrtle began to get better. Within two years, there was no sign of her old illness.”

I know I have heard stories like this before, but this time it struck me that I have continued to hold on to at least some belief that God is behind my cancer. It’s not sensical because I no longer believe in God as some kind of individual being who makes decisions. But I think I was taught this so much growing up that it has been embedded in me. So despite reading that the body is supposed to be healthy and any illness comes from blockages that we create ourselves, I have nursed this belief that God is somewhere behind it all. I know I’ve thought that thyroid cancer has been a teacher in a way– making me focus more on the spiritual and what’s important to me in life. Perhaps I felt that God was behind this since it was driving me towards a closer experience of God.

So reading this in E-Squared shone a light on this belief of mine, and since then I have been focusing on seeing all symptoms of illness in myself as only coming from ego and as being completely unnecessary. I think that’s it, too. I’ve had a belief that the illness and the symptoms were necessary in some way: I had a lot of negative thoughts and beliefs that I harbored for many many years, and the result was thyroid cancer and bad allergies. Like some kind of penance I had to pay for bad behavior.

But that is all ego! No suffering is ever necessary.

Here is a quote I came across today from Dialogue on Awakening, another wonderful channeled or scribed book.

“There is truly but one form of medicine and that is the healing power you possess within your Self. It is the decision you make to either experience health or not to experience health and to allow your body to demonstrate that decision to you. While you are in a state of transition to this mode of thinking, you will invent many different types of crutches and they are fine. But recognize clearly that you are using these things to convince your mind to be healthy. If you are successful, they will work. If you are not, then no change will occur in the physical manifestation of the illness.

Your body is a tool of communication. One of the things it communicates most visibly is the choices you make in your mind. You see, for this to be otherwise it would put your body in the driver’s seat, in the position of control.”

Also: “It will not be the medication taken or treatment applied that makes your body well. In and of themselves, they have no meaning and therefore no effect. The power any medication or treatment has is given by you through the act of loving yourself.”

I need to know myself as perfectly healthy. If I believe that I am perfectly healthy, that is what must manifest itself because form follows belief. I highly recommend E-Squared for demonstrating that our ability to create experience is completely impersonal. It’s not because we are good or bad or because God wants us to have something– it is the Law of Attraction. If you truly believe in your healing, you must be healed. And if you are not healed, it is because you don’t truly belief in your healing. No God is up there making decisions about who is worthy.

So I am trying to focus on a belief in myself as perfectly healthy:)

Falling off the Wagon

I don’t think it was until the end of this summer, after I tried yet one more alternative healer–a nutritional therapist who uses muscle testing and Standard Process supplements–and it didn’t work, that I realized I was truly on a wild goose chase. I spent so much time and money last spring and early this summer going to an alternative doctor, getting lab tests, getting allergy tested, going to an endocrinologist, going to this nutritional therapist, buying supplements on my own; and none of it made any difference. In fact, I had the thought that since the diagnosis of thyroid cancer in September 2010, I have spent so much money and time on alternative healing methods, and I’m not sure any of it has made any difference. And likewise all the conventional doctor’s appointments, visiting the surgeon, getting ultrasounds– certainly none of the conventional things made a difference. Except perhaps that my vitamin D level is up because my doctor has me taking Vitamin D3 supplements.

It’s kind of like I’ve gone on this crazy trip just to end up where I already was. Like the conventional doctors scared me out of my wits with a diagnosis and repeated warnings of death and then the alternative doctors helped me believe that I could heal without surgery. But here I am without fear and with a lump on my neck, just like I was before my diagnosis.

I am oversimplifying, but it’s kind of true in a way. I do think my immune system is in much better shape than it was when I started out. I get far fewer colds, or half-colds like I used to get. But now I’ve have a reaction whenever I eat corn or anything corn-derived that makes me feel like I’m buzzing inside and makes me feel so warm or hot that I wake up in the night repeatedly. But in general, if I don’t eat corn, I feel great.

Ultrasound Results

I have a lot to write. (It has been a long time!) But first I will say that I had an ultrasound last week, and the results show that the tumor has shrunk again. Even the radiologist wrote that it was “slightly smaller” than on May 6th. It now measures 3.1 cm x 3.1 cm x 2.6 cm. The first measurement in May 2010 was 3.6 cm x 2.3 cm x 1.8 cm, and the largest measurement in May 2012 was 3.9 cm x 3.4 cm x 2.6 cm. I wrote before that I use an ellipsoid volume calculator to get an idea of the mass, since that’s the shape it has. Here are those same measurements in volume:  Latest ultrasound 104.4.   First ultrasound 62.3.  Largest ultrasound 144. So I’m halfway back to the start of this, if that means anything.

It’s been 5 months since the last ultrasound. My primary care physician, who has been strongly recommending surgery since the start of this, mentioned in the spring that she might not be able to continue to work with me (without my following conventional protocol) since her practice had been bought up by a more conservative organization. So for a while I thought I was doctorless– which was both freeing in a way and also depressing. But her nurse called the other week and said she wanted me to set up another ultrasound, so we are back on. I am happy about that because this doctor is a very good person and cares very much– and also it is fun to have ultrasounds and get feedback. If I hadn’t had an ultrasound I wouldn’t have thought anything had changed. I try to measure the lump with these body fat calipers that I have, but I can only measure one side, and I can get different readings depending on how hard I squeeze, where I place them… They are only helpful for large changes.

So these results have given me a bit of a boost. Though I was feeling good about things even before this. Which I will write more about in another post.

Follow-up appointment

I had my follow-up appointment with the alternative doctor two days ago. It was a bit disappointing because he was totally unprepared. He had looked at the results of all the allergy testing he ordered, but hadn’t looked at any lab results– I had a ton of labs done– and seemed to have forgotten everything that he asked me to do– which was a ton of things. I have to pay for the visits out of pocket so I started asking him direct questions, but if I had known he wasn’t going to be prepared, I would have given him a review and gathered all the lab tests myself.

As it was he wanted to order more lab tests without even having seen the first! Anyhow. I am very grateful to him for recognizing that I had a food allergy.

So vaguely what I got out of the appointment was that I can either cut corn completely out of my diet (which is beginning to seem very difficult, if not impossible) or I can do Low Dose Allergen Therapy. The doctor prefaced this by saying that this method meant coming to his office once every 2 months for 2 years and getting an injection that costs $200 and taking supplements and seeing a dietician. He framed it all in a way that was very discouraging, but honestly I have spent already more than that on my two visits with him and and 4 allergy testing sessions. (I realize that I am very fortunate to be able to afford these things.)

You can read more about Low Dose Allergen Therapy here. This is the website of W.A. Shrader, the doctor how developed it. I also came across this site, which has a more succinct description. It actually sounds pretty awesome with what it can accomplish– ridding you of all allergies– food and environmental– but there are some serious restrictions in diet around the time of each injection.

The doctor was very enthusiastic about me starting iodine supplementing and gave me a prescription for Lugol’s, which is the liquid form of Iodoral and doesn’t contain corn. I said, “Doesn’t that taste horrible?” and he said, “It doesn’t taste horrible. It’s disgusting.” He said I should take it with 2 ounces of juice and then follow it with a 2 oz juice chaser because it burns as it goes down your throat. Nice.

Instead I ordered I-Throid by RLC Labs. They say that it’s exactly the same formulation as Iodoral except without any corn. RLC is the same company that makes Nature-Throid, a natural thyroid hormone replacement, so I am optimistic. It hasn’t arrived yet.

In the meantime I started taking magnesium in the form of magnesium orotate. My lab test showed that I am low on magnesium, and the doctor recommended I take Magnesium-Potassium Taurate from Emerson Ecologics.  I decided to give the magnesium I had already purchased this spring a try instead. It was a new bottle, and it didn’t appear to have any corn ingredients in it. It was recommended by someone on the Iodine Yahoo group: “Nutrient Carriers Incorporated, Advanced Research, Magnesium Orotate, 500 mg, 100 Tablets” from iHerb.com.

Bad idea! I started taking it two days ago in a fairly high dose as the doctor had recommended. Nothing unusual happened the first day, but last night I had trouble falling asleep and then woke up at 1:45 and was awake until at least 4:30, then up again at 5:45, my body buzzing and warm. This is exactly what happened when I took Iodoral and Vitamin C. It’s funny– it actually didn’t occur to me that it was the magnesium until this morning. Last night I was thinking it was something I ate. But honestly I seem to have the strongest reaction to corn coming from supplements. One ingredient that is also in the Vitamin C that affected me so strongly is magnesium stearate. I just realized that it’s not listed on the corn allergen list I have been using, but it is on this one: corn allergen list. The other ingredients listed are “Provsolv, Pure Food Glaze, and Avicel.”

I think I really need to just start calling the manufacturer to ask if there are any corn derivatives in the product. One interesting thing that the doctor told me was that many companies use corn products interchangeably with other products, depending on what is cheapest at the time they’re buying ingredients. So, for example, they might list “starch” or “thickener” as an ingredient and that gives them the flexibility to use cornstarch one week and wheat flour another. As far as food is concerned, he said that Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods were the best about listing their ingredients.

So this morning I will order the magnesium he recommended and check that there is no corn in it…  And when I start any new supplement I will take it alone for 3 days to see if I have a reaction before adding in another.

My plan right now is to start taking iodine again as soon as the I-Throid arrives, and take that along with magnesium and the other supplements Dr. Brownstein recommends for a month or two. Also to see how well I can do avoiding corn derivatives.  And then to decide whether to do the Low Dose Allergen Therapy or to get less expensive seasonal allergy shots which I can administer myself.

So really I am back where I started in January, only this time with a known corn allergy.

Iodoral and Corn

I just figured out my problem with Iodoral!  It contains corn in some form– and I have just learned that I am allergic to corn. Two weeks ago I tested positive to corn in a food allergy test. I am fairly allergic to it. The way they test it is they inject a dilution of corn into your skin. If it reacts by swelling and growing red (I think sometimes there are other stronger reactions too), then they inject you with a further diluted amount until they find the level you can tolerate. It wasn’t until the third injection that I didn’t react. And then I swear the marks on my arm stayed red and swollen for almost two weeks.

I stopped eating corn after I discovered this, but yesterday by accident I ate a couple of cheese puffs. When I realized that I was eating corn, I decided to eat more :). It’s like that crazy kind of diet logic where when you go off your diet a little, you decide to just give up the day and eat whatever you want. We had these really delicious looking Late July organic corn tortilla chips my husband bought, and I really wanted some. So after the cheese puffs, I helped myself to the tortilla chips. Then… I woke up at 4 a.m. feeling super hot, just like what happened to me all spring when I was taking Iodoral.

I had a vague memory of reading about someone being allergic to corn and not being able to take Iodoral, and so I looked it up this morning when I got up, and there is some form of corn in Iodoral. I am so excited to have discovered this. It clarifies so many things. It explains why my symptoms  got worse when I began taking the recommended supplements with Iodoral. They must also contain corn. I looked up corn allergens on the web and found this page which lists ingredients which are derived from corn. Vitamin C can be derived from corn!  My symptoms were so much worse when I began taking Vitamin C.

It’s so crazy. You know I am pretty sure that the allergic reaction threw my hormones out of balance. I am going to search around on the web a little. But my reactions started with waking up hot in the middle of the night and then moved on to screwing up my period (making it very close together) and then giving me crazy hyper-emotional PMS days. Since I stopped taking Iodoral in any amount, this has all normalized.

 

 

 

Everything is the same. Nothing is different.

So I have had two sessions of food allergy testing now because the holistic doctor I went to in April said I looked like I had a food allergy. He said 50% of his patients’ were able to resolve their health problems through a change in diet.  But it turns out (at least so far) that I don’t really have food allergies. I am a bit allergic to corn, and slightly allergic to soy and strawberries. Dairy and wheat, which seem to be the big offenders, don’t bother me, nor do all the grains we tested, chicken, pork, kale, apples, chocolate (thank God), yeast…

The way the doctor ordered the allergy testing for me is really slow. I go in for a 3-hour session and am tested with one food and then have to wait about 10 minutes before I can be tested with another. This is the most accurate way to do it, and (I think) sets you up to be able to get shots later on to reduce your allergies. They test me by injecting the food into the top of my skin. It stings a bit, but it’s not too bad.

I haven’t been eating corn now for two weeks, and it hasn’t seemed to have made any difference. I have had killer seasonal allergies for the last two weeks +, but I think they are winding down. My main symptoms are serious fatigue and a slight headache. The fatigue really sucks. I just want to close my eyes and lie down. It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get.

This is the fourth spring that I’ve had bad allergies. It was these same springtime allergies that made me realize I had a lump on my neck, which turned out to be thyroid cancer. So it’s very frustrating that here, three years later, I haven’t been able to clear them. The other night in a moment of severe frustration I googled “seasonal allergies fatigue” or something like that and read about butterbur as an herb that’s worked for some people for fatigue. So I went to iHerb and spent $60 on herbs for allergies because one of the reviewers said that these had solved all of her allergy problems.  I got butterbur, nettle, and quercetin. I actually tried quercetin three years ago in the spring, and it didn’t seem to do anything.

They arrived today and of course the fatigue is gone. I think whatever pollen it is that gets to me has run its course. Or maybe I healed myself just by buying the herbs. Ha!

What I am realizing is that this latest effort of mine to heal myself by going to a holistic doctor is not working any more than any of my other efforts have. The crazy hormonal imbalance I had going on (which I’m pretty sure was brought on by taking Iodoral) has cleared up on its own. I don’t seem to have any life altering food allergy. I’ve had a battery of blood and other tests, and I’m pretty sure they all turned out fine. That is, the doctor told me he would call me if anything came up, and he never did. So $940 later I am feeling better but not because of anything that anyone did for me. ($1000 if you count the herbs:) In fact, the holistic doctor told me to start taking these hefty multivitamins from Emerson Ecologics, and they’ve been screwing up my stomach and making me feel worse, if anything.

I have a friend, Leslie, who is also on the path of awakening. I was talking to her today, and she was saying that everything that isn’t peace is all the same. It’s all a manifestation of our ego mind. I am able to see that clearly when I get angry at my husband. I can look at my thoughts and see how it’s my ego thoughts that are making me unhappy. I can see that if I let go of these thoughts, I will be at peace again. But somehow when things go wrong with my body, I think it’s outside of me. I think I can find peace in herbs or in a doctor or in some other healing method. I mean, lots of people do. All those reviewers on iHerb who claim that such and such herb completely changed their life– they have found some peace in a bottle of pills.

But Leslie was saying that it’s all the same. That I need to allow whatever symptoms come up in my body. I have to stop resisting them, trying to make them go away. And that is when healing will come.  I think it really is true. That’s how what healing has happened with the thyroid tumor has come– from focusing on my spiritual practices: meditating, reading, allowing. There is a great talk by Story Waters on allowing, if you’re interested in that. The practice is basically to just be with whatever is happening in your body or mind– to watch it, to feel it, but without judgment. You’re not trying to change it or figure it out, you’re just allowing it. Of course, Story Waters explains it much better.

So I am going to finish out my last two allergy testing appointments. I am getting tested for molds and pollens, and maybe a couple more foods. But I’m not going to schedule an appointment with the nutritionist as the holistic doctor recommended. I have already done so much research on nutrition and changed my diet over the last 5 years that I don’t think I can go much further with dietary changes.

I have a follow-up appointment with the holistic doctor in two weeks, and I’ll see what he has to say. I want to finish this out since I’m in so far. But I think what I really need to do is see that everything is the same, and everything requires the same thing. I need to allow. I need to trust. I need to let go. I need to remember that I am Cause, not effect.