Everything is the same. Nothing is different.

So I have had two sessions of food allergy testing now because the holistic doctor I went to in April said I looked like I had a food allergy. He said 50% of his patients’ were able to resolve their health problems through a change in diet.  But it turns out (at least so far) that I don’t really have food allergies. I am a bit allergic to corn, and slightly allergic to soy and strawberries. Dairy and wheat, which seem to be the big offenders, don’t bother me, nor do all the grains we tested, chicken, pork, kale, apples, chocolate (thank God), yeast…

The way the doctor ordered the allergy testing for me is really slow. I go in for a 3-hour session and am tested with one food and then have to wait about 10 minutes before I can be tested with another. This is the most accurate way to do it, and (I think) sets you up to be able to get shots later on to reduce your allergies. They test me by injecting the food into the top of my skin. It stings a bit, but it’s not too bad.

I haven’t been eating corn now for two weeks, and it hasn’t seemed to have made any difference. I have had killer seasonal allergies for the last two weeks +, but I think they are winding down. My main symptoms are serious fatigue and a slight headache. The fatigue really sucks. I just want to close my eyes and lie down. It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get.

This is the fourth spring that I’ve had bad allergies. It was these same springtime allergies that made me realize I had a lump on my neck, which turned out to be thyroid cancer. So it’s very frustrating that here, three years later, I haven’t been able to clear them. The other night in a moment of severe frustration I googled “seasonal allergies fatigue” or something like that and read about butterbur as an herb that’s worked for some people for fatigue. So I went to iHerb and spent $60 on herbs for allergies because one of the reviewers said that these had solved all of her allergy problems.  I got butterbur, nettle, and quercetin. I actually tried quercetin three years ago in the spring, and it didn’t seem to do anything.

They arrived today and of course the fatigue is gone. I think whatever pollen it is that gets to me has run its course. Or maybe I healed myself just by buying the herbs. Ha!

What I am realizing is that this latest effort of mine to heal myself by going to a holistic doctor is not working any more than any of my other efforts have. The crazy hormonal imbalance I had going on (which I’m pretty sure was brought on by taking Iodoral) has cleared up on its own. I don’t seem to have any life altering food allergy. I’ve had a battery of blood and other tests, and I’m pretty sure they all turned out fine. That is, the doctor told me he would call me if anything came up, and he never did. So $940 later I am feeling better but not because of anything that anyone did for me. ($1000 if you count the herbs:) In fact, the holistic doctor told me to start taking these hefty multivitamins from Emerson Ecologics, and they’ve been screwing up my stomach and making me feel worse, if anything.

I have a friend, Leslie, who is also on the path of awakening. I was talking to her today, and she was saying that everything that isn’t peace is all the same. It’s all a manifestation of our ego mind. I am able to see that clearly when I get angry at my husband. I can look at my thoughts and see how it’s my ego thoughts that are making me unhappy. I can see that if I let go of these thoughts, I will be at peace again. But somehow when things go wrong with my body, I think it’s outside of me. I think I can find peace in herbs or in a doctor or in some other healing method. I mean, lots of people do. All those reviewers on iHerb who claim that such and such herb completely changed their life– they have found some peace in a bottle of pills.

But Leslie was saying that it’s all the same. That I need to allow whatever symptoms come up in my body. I have to stop resisting them, trying to make them go away. And that is when healing will come.  I think it really is true. That’s how what healing has happened with the thyroid tumor has come– from focusing on my spiritual practices: meditating, reading, allowing. There is a great talk by Story Waters on allowing, if you’re interested in that. The practice is basically to just be with whatever is happening in your body or mind– to watch it, to feel it, but without judgment. You’re not trying to change it or figure it out, you’re just allowing it. Of course, Story Waters explains it much better.

So I am going to finish out my last two allergy testing appointments. I am getting tested for molds and pollens, and maybe a couple more foods. But I’m not going to schedule an appointment with the nutritionist as the holistic doctor recommended. I have already done so much research on nutrition and changed my diet over the last 5 years that I don’t think I can go much further with dietary changes.

I have a follow-up appointment with the holistic doctor in two weeks, and I’ll see what he has to say. I want to finish this out since I’m in so far. But I think what I really need to do is see that everything is the same, and everything requires the same thing. I need to allow. I need to trust. I need to let go. I need to remember that I am Cause, not effect.

Ultrasound Results and No Surgery for Now

I picked the ultrasound results up from the hospital the next morning, and they showed that the tumor has shrunk again. This time not quite as much as in September, but the radiologist who read the report actually wrote down that it had shrunk. (Whereas in September he said that it was basically the same size.)

It was funny because in the past when I have picked up my ultrasound results I have always been very nervous/anxious. I go to the Medical Records office of the hospital and fill out a form, wait for them to print it out. They usually put it in an envelope, and then I have to get up the courage to actually open it. But this time, I didn’t really care that much. I had it in my head that I was getting surgery so it didn’t really matter if it had gotten bigger. And then it showed that it had shrunk.

I am developing a little theory that it grew last fall because of my super heavy workload at the time– especially from Thanksgiving through Christmas I was completely overwhelmed with work and family things. This all calmed down by the end of February.

After I got the results I met up with a friend for coffee. She is a relatively new friend, and I have never told her that I have thyroid cancer, but I have been wanting to. For one, I thought that the tumor on my neck was so obvious that she must be wondering what it was. And for two, I felt like we were growing close enough where I didn’t want to be holding out on something so big.

I am only including this to say that she said she had never noticed the tumor before. And here I have been thinking that everyone can see it and they’re just not saying anything!  It’s kind of funny how distorted our thinking can get. One of the main reasons I was thinking about surgery (and I know this is totally vain) was that I felt like the tumor was so plain to see, and it made me self-conscious. But now I realize that that’s actually not the case.

On Wednesday morning I woke up with the thought that I didn’t have to continue seeing the endocrinologist. I have had an appointment with an alternative thyroid doctor in the Boston area for over a month now. Initially when I made the appointment he didn’t have any time available until June 20th. I took it, but I knew I couldn’t wait that long and that was when I decided to make an appointment with the environmental/holistic doctor who could see me within 2 weeks. The afternoon before my appointment with this environmental/holistic doctor, the thyroid doctor’s office called and said they had a cancellation and could see me on May 13th.

So on Wednesday morning it occurred to me that I could just go to this other thyroid doctor– I could pursue surgery with him, and he’d likely be a lot more open. Late Wednesday morning I called the endocrinologist to find out the results of my blood tests. He said that my thyroid levels were all fine and that my thyroid was working properly, but that my TSH levels were “in the 2s,” which he thinks is too high. He dove right in again talking about how full removal of the thyroid was the best course. I told him I was going to see another thyroid doctor next week, and that I would see what he said.

Then on Thursday I went to my chiropractor. (I am on a chiropractic plan that entails getting adjusted twice a week for four months. It’s not really related to the thyroid cancer. Unless of course it is:) The chiropractor and his wife– they work together– are both very interested in alternative healing and very supportive. When I told them about the good ultrasound report, they were very encouraging.

And then (to finish this rambling story), on the drive home I was listening to The Teachings of Inner Ramana, when there was a sentence that seemed to speak directly to my issue, and I realized that I actually had a lot of faith in my ability to heal without surgery. I decided then to put off surgery again for a while.

The ultrasound results show that the tumor is basically the same size that it was a year and a half ago. I’m about to undergo a super thorough battery of allergy tests, and I have a holistic doctor who wants to find the underlying cause of the cancer. I think I have a lot going for me at this point, and I think surgery can wait.

Also, the hormone imbalance seems to be settling down. I haven’t had anymore of that heavy sadness that seems to descend out of the blue. I think I still have a little of the hot flashes, but they are much more subtle. I don’t think I would even notice them if they hadn’t been so much more pronounced before.

A visit with the endocrinologist

I went to see an endocrinologist on Monday. The environmental, holistic doctor had requested that I go to him to get a his opinion on the state of my hormones and whatever else an endocrinologist is in charge of. People have warned me about going to endocrinologists. The iodine supplementing crowd is very against them, but the holistic doctor said the endocrinologist would be able to interpret results better than him.

When he found out I had thyroid cancer, all the endocrinologist wanted to address was when and how I would get surgery. (I told him that I was now open to surgery.) He recommended full removal of the thyroid so that my TSH levels could be suppressed with medication. I told him I wanted to remove only the tumor, which is on the left lobe of the thyroid, and he said if they did this, they wouldn’t be able to control the TSH levels. Ideally, he said, I should also do the iodine radiation therapy too. I told him I didn’t want to do that.

Our conversation wasn’t really that constructive. He tried several times to convince me to get full removal, and I tried to explain that I didn’t want that. He said probably 4 times that you have to take into consideration what the patient thinks. It was kind of like he was repeating it to himself, reminding himself. Because he really didn’t listen to me at all. He interrupted me every time I answered his questions, and he never addressed my symptoms: messed up menstrual cycle, waking up hot, and frequent pms-like symptoms.

The appointment ended with them taking my blood and him telling me that I should schedule an appointment to see him in 1-2 weeks and that he would give me the names of some neck surgeons.

I was very discouraged when I left. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but it wasn’t that. I think one thing I had hoped was that he would diagnose the hormone imbalance and offer me some kind of medication to even it out.

So I came home and cried. I was feeling massively discouraged. Here I thought I was going to solve a problem, and I left having a whole set of new doctor appointments to go to. An hour later I had to go to the hospital for a scheduled ultrasound of the tumor.